Vocalizing Desire On Both Sides of the Looking Glass

So many of us have a really hard time vocalizing physical desires. "Will you lick my toes?" has kind of a weird ring to it when you've been on your third date and maybe fooled around a little on the couch.

People all have buttons that make them go 'weeee', but it seems they are easier to find in virtual environments where we can type up a little screed that floats above our heads telling everyone we like to be tied down and tickled or whatever.

This seems counterintuitive to me, because we live in a culture where most people will divulge their innermost sexual quirks to any grad student with a clipboard. In Portland, Oregon whence these pearls of wisdom derive, there is a free publication called the Mercury. Currently there is a sex survey. People routinely fill this thing out by their thousands and dutifully turn them in to be tabulated, compiled and printed. And then, of course perused by their friends, coworkers, lovers and bitter enemies alike. So if you can tick off a box saying you love to give oral pleasure to people of the same gender, why can't you tell your spouse about this? Just let it out there and, acting on it or not, let it not fester and gnaw.

That's where it all breaks down. Most of us are, I think eager to share. With someone. Anyone. Everyone. But with the person who one shares a bed with regularly, be it a monogamous marriage or a shack up, we clam up. Especially when it matters most.

Not always of course, but all too often. Culturally based repression of even seemingly innocuous acts leads people to respond automatically and neurotically all too often and everyone ends up feeling cheated.

Now on the other hand, we have our online worlds. Multiple partners, kinky turn-ons, BDSM, gender bending to the point of breaking all conventions completely. Relations with man, woman, beast, extraterrestrials, elves, vampires. You name it. If it turns you on, you'll likely find a kindred soul in Second Life. And at the other end of the spectrum, you can find simple talk about things, which is at root what's turning us all on anyway in virtual space. And what makes this possible is that we can have our affinity groups etched onto our avatars and toons.

So in virtual space (including the most unsexy seeming things - you'd be surprised if you think that sex can't creep into just about any computer meeting place), if you're not getting what you want it has more to do with your partner's inability to articulate clearly ('emote') than you not getting what you signed on for. This can be unfulfilling surely. But you can't say you didn't give your partner a good shot at it.